Parents are in the position of power for a variety of reasons, one is the very obvious fact that they gave birth to a child, second is that they have experience in life as the adult in the relationship and parents actually have a job to train the child and teach him or her what he or she ought to know. When you have a job there is a certain amount of power you exhibit as you carry out the job.

Power is what one person has over another. Power gives the power to control, dominate, coerce, bend to one’s will, make other do what you want them to do. This is the type of authority people almost always have in mind when they wish that children would “respect” adult authority, or when they talk about a “breakdown in authority” in families or schools, or when they want children to be “obedient to authority”, or when they complain that kids today are “rebelling against authority”. When children are younger the parents have and wield a lot of power over their children.

Parents are meant to hold a certain amount power over their children. However sometimes parents turn the P in the parenting to a power tussle. As parents there is the idea that you hold all the power and therefore you are to mould, cajole, force, discipline and teach the child how to behave according to what you think is the best for the child. When the child is young, parents have all the indisputable power and wield it over their children using a few common methods.

1. Request and Reward – Parents use a disproportionate amount of request and reward cycles (aka R & R) to get things done. If you want a young child to eat vegetables you might dangle a favorite candy to entice the child to finish up the green peas for a sip of juice. If you want a child to share his or her toys you might offer a reward if he or she will share their toys. As children get older it is best that the request and reward cycles reduce as the child should increasingly be taught to understand why certain requests are made from him or her. As understanding grows R & R should reduce.
2. Emotional – On the emotional side parents can make a child feel bad if he or she does not behave as you intend. Parents pretend to cry, or show such displeasure by uttering the famous phrase “I am not your friend” as an emotional punishment. Parents hope this will result in the child behaving in the matter they wish or at least teaching the child that the particular action is not encouraged.  As a child gets older you need to watch that the line is not crossed into emotional abuse. Continuously using emotional blackmail shows that both the parent and the child are not maturing in the right direction. Clear communication should be improving as the child grows such that emotional games are not the only way to get desired actions.
3. Withholding – this is another tool parents use as a result of their ability to withhold things or outcomes that the child wants or desires. You can take a favorite toy away from the child. you could refuse to buy a certain item, refuse a play date and other things that you know would (or hope would) get the desired outcome in the child. You could refuse to give a child his or her pocket money until a certain action is done. Withholding as a punishment as a child gets older can cause resentment in the child if not done in the right way, the child could associate power with having material wealth.
4. Cajoling – this is yet another item in the arsenal parents can use. Parents are able to cajole and encourage the child to do something. Children generally want to please their parents. so cajoling a child to perform an action you want can be quite effective. The tone of voice and the encouragement can be enough to get a child to do a certain thing. A parents promise of being proud and cheering for a child to take part in a play can be enough to get the child over the hump of being shy in front of the crowd. As children get older there is always a place for parents to cheer for their children and to cajole them into the right behaviour. A child should always want to get the approval of their parents for the right things of course.

Many parents use all these tools quite freely. However depending on the age and temperament of the child there are certain ones that you should use more often than the other. The common factor is that children grow older and become less reliant on parents and less focused on getting approval from the parents. At this stage it is time for the parents to change their strategies as it usually coincides with the time when children start to look at their peers and are exposed to other influences. The strategies that worked as a toddler to pre-teen will surely no longer work as effectively as the child enters the teens.

As your children get older the focus of all interactions should be on mutual respect, communication and living by example as parents.

photo source: profound-parenting

You know those big weddings we are reputed to have in Nigeria. Especially the big Yoruba weddings usually paid for by the parents. It starts with the introduction of the family members, then the big engagement ceremony accompanied by the overnight party. Next is the wedding day with the religious element, Nikkei or church wedding followed by a reception held in a school hall or event centre. The wedding day ends with the bride going to her husbands family home. The grooms family is not left out as the grooms’ side is waiting to hold their own Thanksgiving and reception party. This is usually held on a Sunday and can be preceded by a church thanksgiving service at the grooms’ parents/family church followed by another party.

The couple has been celebrated, hopefully had fun through this very busy time. A lot of money has been spent over the various events over this period. The parents and family have had their chance at stardom to show how well they can celebrate and have thrown their child a befitting wedding.

After the wedding everyone especially the family and the couple goes away to rest and recover. The couple goes on a honeymoon but most of the time this time is spent recovering from the sheer exhaustion of the wedding festivities.

At home parents are still chasing money for aso-ebi, there are several instances where people who collected aso-ebi for all events have just not paid. Vendors are still trying to collect their balance. The family is still smoothening the ruffled feathers of guests and in-laws who will most likely be complaining that they were not served enough champagne or not given enough time on the dance floor! I have to ask who really enjoyed these events?

After all this the couple has to settle down and start life as a married couple. The couple if they are lucky will get some gifts they can really use in their home after sorting through multiple crockery sets they have received. So isn’t it quite ludicrous when this same couple who have had millions spent on their wedding is struggling with buying furniture, or paying rent or are having to live with either parent because they don’t have enough funds to get a place of their own after getting married.

So whom really does the huge wedding worth millions benefit? The couple in most of these cases simply got a big wedding because this is what their parents wanted to do. If these same people asked their parents for the funds that would be spent on the big wedding given to them to start their lives or to invest the parents are likely to say no. They are told that they as parents are the ones throwing the wedding for the child and the child should simply show up.

After all the spending, stress and activity couples who have had big weddings or have attended a couple of these big weddings will announce that they are not likely to throw a big wedding for their children. More and more announce that they would encourage their own children to go for a destination wedding to guarantee that a small intimate wedding can be planned and achieved.

So will big weddings, the type synonymous with Nigeria ever be phased out?

Being resourceful can enhance one’s value. Resourceful people are seen as reliable and able to solve most issues without bothering others. They don’t easily give up and seem to have numerous options to keep things moving.

One of the joys of parenting is to see our kids taking the initiative without being asked.  To achieve that, children need to be resourceful.

GIVE THEM WORK
Kids should be encouraged to do basic chores around the house. Giving them work is indeed a good step towards creating a resourceful kid. There are many things they can and should do. In the kitchen, they can help with the food preparations. You can also ask them to set or clear the tables and wash up their own utensils.

In their rooms, they should always make the bed before leaving for school. Once a week, they must clean the room. They have to ensure that it is neat and tidy all the time. Other chores include watering the plants, washing the toilet or helping out in the backyard.

Experts generally agree that it’s a good idea to let children do house chores as these help to build a sense of responsibilities. Parents should expose their kids to work during their growing years.   

LET THEM THINK
In tackling those chores, problems may crop up. These problems will present an opportunity for them to come up with a solution. Creative thinking skill is a prerequisite for being a resourceful person. When faced with a problem, a creative person will take it as a challenge to come up with workable options.

If we don’t expose our kids to work and problems, they may miss the opportunity to apply the thinking skills. It would be a great waste. As their time with us is not that much, we should grab all opportunities to train them to think creatively.

There are many other ways to achieve this objective besides asking them to help out with the chores. For example, involve them in the family decision-making process.  Seek their input and opinions as much as possible. Respect their requests and wishes. Ask them to brainstorm on possible options. In the long run, they will feel that their opinions count and their thoughts, valued.

LEARN FROM MISTAKES
People who do more work will also make more mistakes.  Again, this is actually good because we learn from our mistakes. Children need to experience this too. Mistakes are indicators on how to improve something
Michael Jordan, one of the greatest basketball players of our times, once said: “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot 26 times, and missed. I’ve failed numerous times in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Clearly, making mistakes is part and parcel of learning.  Hence, parents must not get too upset when their kids make mistakes. On the contrary, they should be worried if their kids are perfect. That may mean they have not done enough.  It may also mean that they are missing out on learning from mistakes in their early years.

START FROM HOME
Creating resourceful kids begin at home. They learn to be resourceful to complete the tasks at hand. They learn to think when solving problems.Hence, parents need not worry about pushing their kids to work harder.

Let’s not miss this opportunity for them to experience all these in the safe environment of home. Parents just need to empower them and be supportive at the same time. Rest assured that these efforts will go a long way towards creating a more creative and resourceful person in their adult years.

Jian Feng of China has successfully sued his ex-wife for giving birth to, in his opinion, an extremely ugly baby girl.

When his daughter was born Feng was so certain that her looks couldn’t possibly be down to his genes, that he accused his then-wife of having an affair. He demanded a DNA test which proved that the baby was indeed his, but it also prompted his wife to come clean. Her secret? She had undergone over $100,000 worth of cosmetic surgery in South Koreo before they met.

Feng then sued her on the grounds that she should have told him about her plastic surgery and for duping him into thinking she was beautiful… and won! The judge ruled that his ex-wife had to pay Feng $120,000.

Feng told the Irish Times: “I married my wife out of love, but as soon as we had our first daughter, we began having marital issues. Our daughter was incredibly ugly, to the point where it horrified me.”

Is this true?

photo source: cocoafab

Regardless of a child’s scholastic abilities, parents can show him or her how to get along with teachers. Before your kids start school, give them a powerful advantage over other children by teaching them the following practical, easy–to–learn skills:

Tip 1: Smile and say “hello” to your teacher everyday.

Kids who greet their teachers with a smile and a warm “hello” every morning usually have fewer problems with their teachers throughout the day. It is important, however, for parents to help their kids understand it is necessary to not overdo it. Try practicing with your child.

Tip 2: Pay attention to your teacher. While your teacher is talking, look him or her in the eyes, smile, and nod.

Love and Logic parents know that helping their child relate to teachers will increase the child’s interest in what is being taught. One parent I know had a daughter who experienced difficulty paying attention in class. After the parent suggested looking at the teacher, smiling, and nodding, she became more engaged in her learning and was better prepared to ask questions about the lessons.

Teachers enjoy working with children who are interested in learning. Students who are attentive and “encourage” their teachers during the lesson have an advantage over those who do not. In addition, these children will be more comfortable approaching a teacher with any concerns they may have.

Tip 3: Raise your hand periodically to ask a question about the lesson.

A child who asks questions shows the teacher he or she is paying attention to the lesson being taught.

Tip 4: Say “please” and “thank you.”

It is important for parents to model good manners. At the Love and Logic Institute, we’ve found that children learn much more from our actions than from our words. What we say in front of our kids is more important than what we say to them. For example, when your child is nearby, you might say to your spouse, “I sure do appreciate all of your help today around the house. Thank you so much.”

Kids who use these skills in school will have an advantage over kids who do not. These skills also will carry over to the workforce, which will give children an advantage over others throughout their professional lives.

One student I know suffered from significant learning problems. Many people thought he would not be successful in his professional life. Much to their surprise, however, he went on to have a wonderful career and did better than kids who were much “brighter,” because his parents taught and reinforced good relationship skills over and over again.

source: LoveandLogic

Gods word exists and we can rightfully claim and declare them over our children. As parents there are various methods we use to positively train our children and mould them into the individuals they should be. Spiritual tools include using the word to make declarations into the lives of our children and their futures. The word of God is alive and powerful.

1) Our children are called to be something even from the womb, our children are born to become something great in his or her life.

Jeremiah 1:5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations”.

2) Our children are for signs and wonders, they were born to do great things.

Isaiah 8:18 “Behold…the children who, the Lord hath given me are for signs and for wonders”

3) Our children are promised long life, they will not die young but will live.

Isaiah 65:20 “No longer will babies die when only a few days old. No longer will adults die before they have lived a full life”

4)   Our children and ourselves are blessed.

Isaiah 65:23 “For they are people blessed by the Lord, and their children too will be blessed”

5) Our children will grow in wisdom and stature (like Jesus did).

Luke 2:52 “(our children will grow)…in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and all the people”

6) Our children will be flourish and have promising futures.

Psalm 128:3 “..our children around (our) table will be as fresh and promising as young olive shoots” (MSG)

7) Our children will have the spirit of God in them.

Isaiah 11:2 “The spirit of the Lord will rest on him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord”

8 ) Our children will not beg.

Psalm 37:25 “…I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread”

9) Our children will worship him, (as parents we must encourage our children to worship God).

Matthew 21:16 “….Jesus replied, haven’t you ever read the scriptures? For they say. You have taught children and infants to give you praise”

10 ) God will always answer and care for our children.

Matthew 18:10 “Beware that you don’t look down on any of these little ones. …their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly father”

11) Our children have access to God and to the kingdom.

Matthew 10:14 ”let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!  For the kingdom of God belongs to (them)”

12) Promise of the Holy Spirit guiding our children and salvation.

2 Timothy 3:15 “You have been taught the Holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus.

13) Provides encouragement to follow and obey God.

Matthew 11:30 “for my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light”

*** use the scriptures as it applies to you, use the scriptures as prayer points targeted at your children*** NLT version used except where specified.

Bullying begins in preschool and gains momentum as kids grow. Depending on which survey you read, between 40 and 80 percent of middle schoolers admit to bullying behavior. Not only is Bullying pervasive, it has become increasingly dangerous, so that children are committing suicide or being beaten to death by their bulliers.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that bullying is preventable, and you can bully-proof your child — and keep him from becoming a bully.

1. Model compassionate, respectful relationships from the time your child is small. The best way to keep children from being bullied is to make sure they have high self esteem and strong relationships at home. Children learn both sides of every relationship, and they can act either one.  If you spank, your child will learn that physical violence is the way to respond to interpersonal problems.  If your discipline methods use power over your child, he will learn to use power over others, or to let others use power over him.  Don’t worry, you don’t need that kind of discipline.  For compassionate discipline that works, see the Aha! section on Positive Discipline.

2. Stay connected to your child through thick and thin. Lonely kids are more likely to be bullied, and to let themselves be bullied. Remember, parenting is 90% connection — a close relationship with your child — and only 10% guidance.  The guidance won’t stick unless you have the relationship to support it, and will just drive your child away.  Keep those lines of communication open, no matter what.

3. Model confident behavior with other people. If you tend to back down easily so you don’t make a scene, but then later feel pushed-around, it’s time to change that. Your child is learning from watching you. Experiment with finding ways to assert your own needs or rights while maintaining respect for the other person.  It’s also important not to put yourself or your child down, because you’re teaching her to follow in your footsteps.

4. Directly teach your child respectful self-assertion. Give him words to stick up for himself early on:

“It’s my turn now.”

“I want a turn now.”

“Hey, stop that.”

“Hands off my body.”

“It’s not okay to hurt.”

“I don’t like being called that. I want you to call me by my name.”

5. Teach your child basic social skills. Kids who are outsiders are more likely to be bullied.  Bullies prey on children whom they perceive to be vulnerable, including needy children who are so desperate for peer acceptance that they continue to hang around a group of peers even when one of the group leaders begins to mistreat them.  Role play with your child how to join a game at the playground, introduce themselves to another child at a party, or initiate a playdate. Kids who are successful in joining groups of kids usually observe first, and find a way to fit into the group, rather than just barging in.  Make games out of social skills and practice at home.

6. Teach your child basic bully avoidance. Bullies operate where adults aren’t present, so your child should avoid unsupervised hallways, bathrooms, and areas of the playground.  Sitting in the front of the school bus, standing in the front of the line, and sitting at a lunch table near the cafeteria chaperones are all good strategies for bully avoidance.

7. Teach your child that there is no shame in being frightened by a bully, in walking away, or in telling an adult and asking for help. Bullying situations can escalate, and saving face is less important than saving their life.

8. Coach your child to handle teasing and bullying by role playing. Research shows that bullies begin with verbal harassment.  How the “victim” responds to the first verbal aggression determines whether the bully continues to target this particular child.  If the aggression gives the bully what he’s looking for — a feeling of power from successfully pushing the other child’s buttons — the aggression will generally escalate.  It’s imperative to discuss this issue with your child BEFORE he is subject to bullying, so he can stand up for himself successfully when a bully first “tests” him.

Roleplay with your child how he can stand up to a bully. Point out to your child that the bully wants to provoke a response that makes him feel powerful, so showing emotion and fighting back are exactly what the bully feeds off.  Explain that while he can’t control the bully, he can always control his own response. So in every interaction, how he responds will either inflame the situation or defuse it. 
Your child needs to avoid getting “hooked” no matter how mad the bully makes him.

The best strategy is always to maintain one’s own dignity, and to let the “bully” maintain his dignity, in other words, not to attack or demean the other person. To do this, simply say:

“You know, I’m just going to ignore that comment.”

“I think I have something else to do right now.”

“No thank you.”

Then, just walk away.

Teach your child to count to ten to stay calm, look the bully in the eye, and say one of these things. Practice until your child has a strong, self-assured tone.

Source: Ahaparenting

Last year there was a series of giveaways to celebrate our members and we did give out some exciting gifts ranging from cartons of juice to designer outfits. This year we want to give back and LagosMums has adopted a few charities and committed to raising funds for the charities to use towards celebrating this 2013 Christmas.

So we are asking you to please give and give generously, all monies raised will be collected and donated to the charities.

Details of the charities are -

• One Love Project which is a charity that supports a childrens’ hospital in Lagos
• Bethesda Foundation which is focused on securing educational opportunities for children in disadvantaged families and deprived communities.

Please donate anything you can as no amount is too small..

God Bless you as you give!!

We have a target and want to hit it by December 20th. So do please spread the word and donate to brighten up the face of someone this season.

As we thank God for another Christmas season. We are wishing you and your families a splendid Christmas celebration as we remember the reason for the season. As we look ahead to a New Year we pray that you and your families have an abundance of Gods blessings and are filled with joy, love and peace!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

How have you fared in 2013? The end of year is always a good time to take stock and look back at what for many has been a challenging year financially and otherwise, and to prepare yourself for 2014. Here are a few things to consider before the end of the year to ensure that your financial life is on track for the new-year.

Did you start a new job or leave a job? Did you get married this year? Did you start a family or have a new baby? Did you retire? Did you get divorced or widowed? Whether there have been notable changes in your personal or professional life, or even if it has been relatively uneventful, your personal finances need periodic attention. I recommend a complete review or analysis at least once a year to get a clear view of your current financial situation.

Do you know where your important documents are? Are they up to date? All your difficult to replace legal and financial documents should be stored in a safe and secure place. These include your will, trusts, power of attorney, title documents for your assets such as your property, cars and so on. Birth, marriage and death certificates, international passports, lists of personal possessions should all be kept securely.

Take a good look at your spending over the past year? Do you have any idea what you spent and on what? Is there any excess that you can cut back on? How much did you save or invest this year? Ideally you should have an emergency fund of at least three to six months of your monthly expenses saved in cash or in the money market. Cash from your thirteenth month salary or an end of year bonus if you are lucky enough to get one, could kick-start this financial cushion if you don’t already have one.

Most financial advisors suggest that you should save between 10% and 15% or more of your income. Have you built an emergency fund this year? The easiest way to start to grow your savings is to automate it by putting a direct debit in place so that you won’t be tempted to spend all your income but rather it can be directed to an appropriate savings vehicle. Most mutual fund companies make it easy for you to be able to automate your savings and investment plan.

Have you managed to reduce your debt in 2013? Do you now carry less debt today than you did on 1^st January 2013? Until you face up to your debt it will continue to grow. Which loans charge you the highest interest rate? Start to tackle those first. Don’t ignore your debt or wish it away; if it becomes a burden, it Is worth approaching your lender to discuss the possibilities for restructuring your debt to make it more manageable.

Did you make any investments this year? What is the return on your stock, bond, or mutual fund investments? Are you satisfied with their performance or is it time to make some changes? At least once a year re-visit your investment portfolio to make sure that you are not becoming too heavily weighted in a particular asset class. A diversified portfolio that consists of some cash, stocks, bonds, and property will help to spread your risk. Adjust your portfolio to ensure that your asset allocation is appropriate to your short, medium and long term needs.

Your age, family situation, health, and goals will influence the level of risk you can tolerate and the level of insurance you take on. Are you well protected if something untoward happens in the coming year? It is worth looking over all your insurance cover including health, life insurance, homeowners insurance, vehicle insurance, and renters insurance, to determine what changes might be required for the coming year.

Do you have a will or trust or some other estate planning vehicle in place that could ensure that your loved ones are protected in the event of your incapacity or demise. If you do, when last did you review it? Does your will still fairly reflect your personal wishes for the distribution of your assets? Have your personal or financial circumstances or your beneficiaries significantly changed over the past year? Maybe you have had children or grandchildren since you wrote your last will. Keep your will up to date and make sure that other people know where it is.

Rather like an annual medical check-up helps you to be proactive about identifying potential problems before they fester and become real problems, an annual review of your finances should throw up areas of concern so that you can begin to pay some attention to these before they seriously jeopardise your financial security.

No matter how busy you are; take just a few hours out of this holiday period to focus on your finances. It is important and you will feel more in control of your financial life as you head into 2014.

Written by Mrs Nimi Akinkugbe, Lagosmums’ money management and financial specialist. For further questions or advise send email to contactus@lagosmums.com.

A New Year brings an almost involuntary reaction to set some New Year resolutions and goals. A New Year comes with the idea of a fresh start and new beginnings. Chance to try something new, try something you were not able to achieve in the past year. While there are a lot of the more general resolutions like lose weight, work out more, save more…what about deciding to be a better Parent?

• Spend Quality  Time – Spending quality time with the children, taking the time to really focus on them. It does not qualify to just be in the same place and then sit glued to the television, blackberry or Ipad. No matter how small the amount of time you have to spare make it really count as quality time that your child will enjoy. Pencil the time in if you have to. You can do anything really read, play with favourite toys, talk…the only rule is to that the time should be uninterrupted.
• Have One Meal Together – Commit to have at least one meal together as a family, as long as the children can talk it is a good idea to start setting up family meal time. Eating together is a good time for the family to come together and discuss things together as a family. To be practicable you could start with one day a week and schedule it in.
• Pray Together – Teaching your children to pray and read the Bible daily is a good way to introduce spirituality to your children and teaching them about God. if you take the time to show them how important it is they will grow up making God their priority and making time for God. Practising to pray with the family builds their confidence and encourages them to pray.
• Visit their Schools – Some parents are able to drop and pick their children in school regularly, while some parents are only able to show up on the expected open days and school events. Try to schedule sometime now and then to just pop into your childs’ school. There is something nice about seeing the teachers, observing your child’s learning environment. Your children can talk about school and what happened.
• Read Together – Read together, start with a chapter a day if you are short on time. If you have older children you can read the newspapers or a magazine. Reading leads to interaction and discussing.

What other ways do you plan to be a better parent this year?

Originally posted on Jan 9th 2013

If you live in Lagos, the Christmas period comes with it the annual journey of most domestics going to their hometowns to spend time with their families. Nannies travelling home cause the most palpitations. This is usually because they are going away during this very busy period and secondly you are hoping that they will return when they say they will or that they will return at all.

So most mums over the Christmas period are dealing with various levels of nanny-lessness. If you happen to be someone who hosts a lot then you are in for an even more demanding time hosting while also taking care of the children on holiday and the house. Depending on the age of your children and the level of support from your husband, there will be lots more cooking, washing dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house etc probably while still going to work.

When my toddler announced that he never wanted the aunties (aka nannies) to come back my first thought was that there was some problem I hadn’t been aware of . It turns out he didn’t want them to come back because he remarked that he liked the fact that I was giving him a shower, I was cooking for him and that I played with him more!

Lightbulb moment!

From the moment he said this it got me thinking about this mummy child relationship from his point of view. To him the nannies were the reason I wasn’t doing so many things with him. He would prefer to spend more time with me than he does when they are around. This spending more time for him included spending time with me in the kitchen during meal preparations, time spent grooming through bathing, picking out clothes and dressing him up. Time spent playing because I wasn’t calling for the nanny to come and entertain him while I spent sometime alone.  There was more time spent talking and playing with him with his toys on the floor in the middle of his mess.

So rather than complaining about not having a nanny, i instead enjoyed the time I was spending with the children.  Allowing ourselves to see things from a childs’ perspective makes you rethink the situation. I decided to invest in ensuring that I get a pass mark as the children measure the amount of quality time I spend with them whether or not the nannies are around.

The time spent with them also allowed me to instill values and independence. For example they actually emptied their leftovers after eating into the trash and drop their plates in the sink. Instead of calling out for water they got up and went to the water dispenser themselves. When the nannies are around, whose job it is to cater for the children, children barely do anything for themselves. They even got to help with the cooking and while I was washing dishes they got to tidy up and sweep the floors.

I am in no way suggesting there is no need for assistance through domestic hires, what I have rather concluded is that we shouldn’t loose touch with our children and forget to spend quality time with them nor ignore to teach them to take care of themselves. We should remember nannies will leave our homes one day no matter how good they are, lets be sure we like what our children have morphed into.

So when the nannies comes back, on time or later than they had promised, make a conscious effort to spend more time with your children.

contributed by Nimi Akinkugbe

There is a common misconception that you have to spend huge amounts of money to look good. I am no fashion expert but I do know that being well dressed doesn’t have to cost a fortune. If you invest some time in careful planning and treat your clothes like an investment, you will be able to stretch available funds and still look amazing. Here are a few tips that will help you to make the best of what you have and not go broke.

Include clothes in your budget

Behind rent, transportation and food the next big chunk of your budget is likely to be for clothing, particularly for women. A reasonable clothes budget depends on your income and it varies significantly from person to person. What do you want and need in your wardrobe? Do you absolutely have to buy new clothes as soon as you get your salary? How much can you afford to spend on clothes and other fashion accessories.  If you create a budget for clothes you will be able to afford them without having to dip into money set aside for other essential purchases.

Organize your wardrobe

Learning to manage your wardrobe has many advantages. It can save you time, make you look stylish and well groomed, and most importantly it can save you money as it makes you make the most of what you already have.

Have you gone out and bought a new top only to find that you already have an almost identical one in your wardrobe? Bring everything out of your wardrobe. You will be surprised to find things tucked away at the back of your wardrobe that you have long forgotten about. Many fashions will come back every few years and some never date. The pair of trousers that has been lost in all the clutter could become a key piece. It is useful to do a clear out every so often so that at least you are aware of what you have and need.

Arrange your clothes for convenience and easy access, properly hung and ready to wear; trousers, jackets, skirts, suits in groups or by colour, this way, you can see at a glance what you have to work with. Have some fun whilst you are at it, and treat your wardrobe like your very own private boutique.

Know what suits you. Have a well-dressed and honest friend go through your closet with you and try things on to get a second opinion. She might even help you to combine pieces that you might never have thought of.

Why not de-clutter your wardrobe and touch some lives by giving away pieces that you haven’t worn in a year. You need to do some spring-cleaning from time to time to keep your clothes in order and simplify your life. These may become someone else’s favorites and bring much joy. Seriously consider this as the festive season draws near.

It’s about quality not quantity

It’s about quality not quantity when it comes to style. Buy the best quality of clothes and accessories that you can afford. Quality lasts longer, looks better, washes better, and ultimately will save you more money than if you buy lots of cheap clothes of inferior quality.

Don’t be tempted to follow fashion trends doggedly, or you will find yourself constantly spending just to keep up. Rather than splashing out on several new outfits every time the fashions change, invest in a few classics. Wardrobe staples such as the proverbial little black dress or other versatile party dress, a navy blue blazer, well tailored trousers and skirts, good quality white shirts, and a smashing pair of jeans are a must have. You can then complement these with a few key pieces. Classic pieces will not date easily and will keep you looking elegant.

Wardrobe Maintenance

Treat your clothes with respect and handle them with care. Follow washing labels and use the best available dry cleaner otherwise the fabric in your clothes will be stripped of their natural sheen. Iron and fold or hang garments up properly with good quality hangers, not the wires you get from returned dry cleaning. Store them appropriately. Your clothes will remain in good condition for so much longer. Women who look after their clothes will always look more stylish and well groomed.

Mix and match

Opt for mix-and-match separates. By using the clothes you already have in new and different combinations, you can give yourself lots of new options without having to buy several new pieces. This will help to curb impulse buying; when you buy on impulse you end up wasting money on things that don’t really go with your existing wardrobe pieces. You could also build a wardrobe around a color scheme of a few colors that look good on you. This will allow you more mix-and-match opportunities.

The power of accessories

Accessories can spruce up the overall look and they are the first things people notice. Invest in a few statement pieces, like brooches, belts, scarves, timepieces or jewelry. If you are a hard core bag lady on a tight budget, a classic statement designer handbag in a restrained colour such as black, brown or blue and without logos plastered all over the bag will get you much farther than a bright one.

Invest in good quality shoes. Some serious back and muscle disorders have been linked to inappropriate, poor quality, or ill-fitting shoes. You don’t want to buy cheap shoes that are bad for your feet only to have to spend a fortune on a chiropractor in later years.

Buy on sale wherever possible

Shopping off-season or in the sales will save you money. Visit your favourite stores just before the end of the sales and earmark some favourites; on the closing days of the sales, many items are slashed even further and you can pick up some really good bargains. Designer “seconds” shops offer quality pieces at affordable prices. But beware of seductive sale prices. Don’t be lured by the 50 percent off tag. Just because an item is on sale doesn’t mean that you have to buy it.

Shop with a list

Be strategic about building your wardrobe and shop with a list. Dressing well demands a good knowledge of your wardrobe and what you need to purchase to compliment your existing choices and lifestyle.

If you shop on impulse and without a list you will easily lose focus and end up buying things that you really don’t need, that you may never wear, and that will not enhance your wardrobe in any way. If you are more selective you will enjoy your wardrobe for much longer.

Pour through fashion magazines and observe well-dressed ladies to identify the looks you seek to achieve. You will find that you already have some key parts of a favourite look. Make a list of some of the things you need that can systematically be added to your existing wardrobe to recreate some of the looks that attracted you. An old piece when combined with a new accessory will suddenly have a new lease of life.

Aso-Ebi – Dare say no?

Do you have to “take aso-ebi” for every friends wedding or event or can you be a bit more selective?  It is nice to indulge once in a while and for very close friends and family you might feel “obliged” to show solidarity at a wedding, funeral or other major event; this is really what aso-ebi seeks to achieve. But you must learn to say no if you can’t afford it. Nowadays it is common to have a colour code and you will probably already have something in your wardrobe that lets everyone see that you “belong” without new spending.

The truth is that to a large extent, money has little to do with it. Looking good is all about how you feel about yourself, being fulfilled, and carrying yourself with confidence. Surround yourself with good positive people. Your mood and demeanour when positive will reflect in your appearance much more than the most expensive designer wear in the world. Look after yourself. Drink lots of water, get some sleep and exercise as if your life depends on it. Health is wealth.

Being on a budget and shopping economically doesn’t mean forgoing style. Be creative in looking for new and simple ways to look and feel good. You do want to look the part, but try not to break the bank whilst you are at it!

Written by Mrs Nimi Akinkugbe, Lagosmums money management and financial specialist. For further questions or advise send email to contactus@lagosmums.com

photo source bridgetteraes.com

Being married is like being in school forever as an aunt of mine said “In marriage you never graduate” at different stages you learn something different about your spouse and surprisingly also learn about yourself too. You do have to commit to constantly improve your marriage and no better time to recommit to this than at the start of a New Year.

So in the line of meaningful and actionable resolutions here are some ways to improve your marriage

Improve your communication – this in itself can be general and a rather broad statement. Improvement in communication should be measurable. Communication means actually really hearing each other and listening with undivided attention to your spouse. So this new year make it achievable by deciding to assign sometime per day maybe thirty minutes maybe more where you and your spouse put away all distractions, that is no bb, no television, no kids in the background. This is time where you talk to each other and really communicate. Start with whatever amount of time you can on the communication chart and work yourself up.

Improve a flaw in yourself – we can all point fingers at something our spouse is doing wrong. What about picking something that is a flaw in your character or something that you know really bothers your spouse and decide to stop that. It could be the fact that you shed your hair in the sink that irritates your spouse…then decide to clean up after yourself daily. Remember the goal is to make this change manageable and achievable so don’t just say you resolve to be a better person, specify what better means and start with something that your spouse will appreciate.

Pray together – it is true as they say that a couple that prays together stays together. Praying together forms a spiritual bond and also brings you closer together. If you had not been praying together previously commit to praying together daily and use the opportunity to pray for each other. If it is easier to do it first thing in the morning, set your alarm, wake up a little earlier and spend sometime praying together.

Be more intimate – There is always room for more intimacy, one of the first areas to go is intimacy, not just having sex but true intimacy. So determine to make more time for this in the new year. Decide to set aside regular date nights and this can be as simple as sending the children off to bed, closing the staff and starting with a date in your living room sharing a drink, listening to some music, talking and touching. Mark it into your calendars and even if the date has to change make sure to plan a rain check. It will take commitment and could mean you have to consciously decide to close earlier at work to make the date with your spouse.

Plan together – Life can just take over but it is important to stay connected and plan together. Plan to start a new hobby or plan a new goal together and set time apart to review these plans. This shows that you are committed to each other and interested in your future together. Hold yourselves accountable and check in regularly on how these plans are going. 

Lets try some of these steps or all and see what happens…..Here is to being a better spouse and having better marriages.

photo source: 123rf.com

There are several ways to parent and there are several styles but I always like to look at scripture for some of the best guidelines for parenting. Here are some that I would like to share.

Guidance – we are meant to direct our children on the right path, to teach them and encourage them to guard their hearts and their minds, who and what they are exposed to. You are not too tough when you tell your children certain things are not good for them.

Scripture Reference –

Direct your children onto the right path and when they are older they will not leave it. (Prov 22:6)

The bible also advises “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Prov 4:23)

Discipline – As parents and guardians we are meant to discipline our children. The idea that we should not be allowed to spank our children is not biblical. As with all things moderation is the key, discipline must not turn abusive. Every disciplining act should be with a goal in mind – to develop disciplined children and to teach appropriate behaviors.  One of our main goals as parents it to train children to become independent adults. This is one of the ways to ensure that parents in their old ages can sit back and enjoy the fruit of their hard work. An undisciplined unruly child is more likely to grow up into a “delinquent” adult.

Scripture Reference –

This one scripture for me sums up the discipline argument – Discipline your child while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives (Prov 19:18)

A youngsters heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away (Prov 22: 15)

Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them (Prov 13:24)

People (children) who accept discipline are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore correction will go astray (Prov 10:17)

Don’t fail to discipline your children. They wont die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death (Prov 23:13 – 14)

To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child (Prov 29:15)

Discipline your children and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad (Prov 29:17)

We do all this so that we don’t have children who grow up into unruly adults. A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls. (Prob 25:28)

Godliness – Every human is made up of mind, soul and body. It is our duty as parents to nourish all the parts in our children. Grounding them in godliness is key to a successful parenting job.

Scripture Reference –

The father of godly children has cause for joy. What a pleasure to have children who are wise. (Prob 23:24-25)

Wisdom – this is probably the most important ingredient in being a parent and one of the key characteristics every child should seek and grow with. Wisdom is more valuable than logic, brains, strength or wealth alone!  Wisdom guarantees a bright future.

Scripture Reference –

My child eat honey for it is good and the honeycomb is sweet to the taste. In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short. (Prob 24:13-14).

If you become wise you will be the one to benefit. If you scorn wisdom you will be the one to suffer (Prov 9:12)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding, seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take (Prov 3:5-6)

My child don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment (these are byproducts of wisdom). Hang on to them. They will keep you safe on your way and your feet will not stumble. You can go to bed without fear, you will lie down and sleep soundly. You will not be afraid of sudden disaster (Prov 3:21-25)

Giving – Teach children from a young age to understand the importance of giving their best to the Lord.

Scripture Reference –

Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything you produce. (Prov 3:9)

It is painful to be the parent of a fool, there is no joy for the father (or mother) of a rebel. (Prov 17:21)

We cannot hide behind the excuse that they are just children, while there are some acceptable childish behaviors, there are lots more behaviors that shows a child who is not properly disciplined and trained.  Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure and whether it is right (Prov 20:11)

We have to be able to separate being a child and being a misbehaving child. If the children don’t learn at home they will surely be taught rudely outside.

So lets’ parent with love and using God’s template as the roadmap.

photo source: unlockingthebible.org

Protecting your child’s teeth at a young age is especially important. If their teeth go unattended, they are at a greater risk of tooth decay as they get older. One of the most common chronic diseases for children, ages 6 to 11, and teenagers, ages 12 to 19, is tooth decay, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.

source: moms.popsugar.com

If your child develops tooth decay, they may experience great pain, have trouble chewing and be embarrassed to talk or smile. It may also create dental issues for your children when they are older. To avoid such problems, here are five crucial steps to protecting your child’s teeth.

Brushing and Flossing Their Teeth. When your child’s first baby tooth comes in, begin brushing immediately. Baby teeth hold the space for adult teeth, so it’s important to start taking care of their teeth early. You’ll also want to start flossing as soon as their teeth begin touching. By the time they reach the ages most prone to developing tooth decay, they will have the basic foundation for good oral health and will hopefully be able to get through those vulnerable years unscathed.

Regular Dental Checkups. When should you start taking your child in for regular dental checkups? When they are one year old. Yes, you read that correctly. You want to ensure that as they begin to grow and develop, they have healthy gums and teeth. While at their regular dental checkup, make sure you ask your dentist if your child needs fluoride protection or a dental sealant for their teeth to better protect their teeth. And for more information on calming a child’s fears of the dentist, see: The Parental Nightmare: Taking Your Child to the Dentist.

Drinking Responsibly. Infants often fall asleep when they are being fed a bottle of formula, juice or milk. However, many parents are unaware of how bad that is for their child’s oral health. Some of the liquids, particularly the juice, are full of sugar and can cling to a baby’s teeth. This provides food for bacteria to continue living in your child’s mouth, which can soon lead to tooth decay. In some extreme cases, not tending to this problem could lead to a stunt in a child’s growth and learning. If you continue to give your baby a bottle before bed, make sure it contains only water. Likewise, if you allow your child to drink out of a Sippy cup and the liquids inside are sugary, they may also face the risk of tooth decay. This decay will primarily target the back of their front teeth, as this is where the Sippy cup spout rests. Any of the sugary drinks that may contribute to a child’s tooth decay should be limited to meals so that the saliva produced by some foods can help wash away the bacteria from the sugary drink.

Pacifier Age Limit. While pacifiers are believed to help prevent sudden infant death syndrome and are therefore good when your child is an infant, by age two or three they become hazardous to your child’s dental health. Sucking too much on a pacifier can impact how the top and bottom teeth line up. They can also affect the shape of your child’s mouth.

Exercise Caution with Sugary Medicines. Many medicines have been flavored to cater to a child’s taste. However, these flavored medications are often very sugary. They stick to your child’s teeth and can increase the risk of tooth decay. Children with chronic conditions like asthma or heart problems are at a higher risk for this though. The medications needed for these conditions can cause an overgrowth of candida (yeast). This can lead to an infection known as oral thrush. If your child is taking chronic medications, speak to your dentist about how often you should brush your child’s teeth. You may need to brush your child’s teeth as often as four times a day.

None of these steps will make an impact if you don’t stand firm. Children often fight with their parents when it’s time to brush and floss their teeth at night. Many times the parents will give in. Make sure you stand firm and make your children brush their teeth. Don’t let them believe they have a choice when it comes to that. Their oral health is important. If you start reiterating how important it is and they start brushing and flossing their teeth regularly at a young age, they will continue that on as they get older, furthering their good oral health. Here are a few ways to help in that:

Help your children longer than you think they need help. You may be able to reach the plaque in their teeth that they cannot.

Brush your teeth with them. Often your young kids will be more willing to brush their teeth if mom and dad are brushing their teeth too.

Encourage them to brush their teeth before they are too tired to do so. The more tired they are, the crankier they will be and the less likely they will be willing to cooperate.

Get your child more involved. Let them pick out their own toothpaste and toothbrush at the store from the options you approve of.

For more tips and some encouragement, see our Mom’s Guide to caring for little teeth.

source: 1Dental

I was really intrigued by this post below from Kathy Caprino on crippling parenting behaviours that limit children from growing into leaders. She gave a great write up from conversations with leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore, Founder and president of Growing Leaders. See text below..

7. We don’t practice what we preach
As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.

source: aarp.org